You see, I have no intention of breaking down her prodigiousness. I want her to believe in God and virtue and the sanctity of marriage and still not be able to stop herself. I want the excitement of watching her betray everything that's most important to her.
I became a virtuoso of deceit. It wasn't pleasure I was after, it was knowledge. I consulted the strictest moralists to learn how to appear, philosophers to find out what to think, and novelists to see what I could get away with. And in the end, I've distilled everything to one single principle: win or die.
-Dangerous Liasons
Sharing restaurants, events, recipes, & musings from Connecticut, where summer is a verb & happy hour is a state of mind.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Another New World, Josh Ritter
Clearly I have none of my own words to share, so I'm forced to share others that I find touching.
The leading lights of the age all wondered amongst themselves what I would do next; after all that I'd found in my travels around the world was there anything left?
"Gentlemen", I said, "I've studied the maps, and if what I'm thinking is right, there's another new world at the top of the world for whoever can brave through the ice."
I looked round the room in that way I once had and I saw that they wonted belief...So I said, "All I've got are my guts and my God"...Then I paused..."and the Annabelle Lee."
Oh the Annabelle Lee, I saw their eyes shine; the most beautiful ship in the sea.
My Nina, My Pinta, My Santa Maria, my beautiful Annabelle Lee.
That spring we set sail as the crowds waved from shore and on board the crew waved their hats, but I never had family, just the Annabelle Lee, so I'd never had cause to look back.
I just set the course North and I studied the charts, and toward dark I drifted toward sleep, and I dreamed of the fine deep harbor I'd find past the ice for my Annabelle Lee.
After that it got colder the world got quiet; it was never quite day or quite night, and the sea turned the color of sky turned the color of sea turned the color of ice, 'til at last all around us was vastness, one vast glassy desert of arsenic white. The waves that once lifted us sifted instead into drifts against Annabelle's sides.
The crew gathered closer; at first for the comfort each morning would bring a new set of the tracks in the snow leading over the edge of the world... 'til I was the only one left.
After that it gets cloudy, but it feels like I lay there for days or maybe for months. But Annabelle held me, the two of us happy just to think back on all we had done. We talked of the other new worlds we'd discover; she gave up her body to me, and as I chopped up her mainsail for timber I told her of all that we still had to see.
As the frost turned her moorings to nine-tail and the wind lashed her sides in the cold, I burned her to keep me alive every night in the lover's embrace of her hold.
I won't call it "rescue" what brought me back to the old world to drink and decline, and pretend that the search for another new world was well worth the burning of mine.
But sometimes at night in my dreams comes the singing of some unknown tropical bird, and I smile in my sleep thinking Annabelle Lee has finally made it to another new world.
The leading lights of the age all wondered amongst themselves what I would do next; after all that I'd found in my travels around the world was there anything left?
"Gentlemen", I said, "I've studied the maps, and if what I'm thinking is right, there's another new world at the top of the world for whoever can brave through the ice."
I looked round the room in that way I once had and I saw that they wonted belief...So I said, "All I've got are my guts and my God"...Then I paused..."and the Annabelle Lee."
Oh the Annabelle Lee, I saw their eyes shine; the most beautiful ship in the sea.
My Nina, My Pinta, My Santa Maria, my beautiful Annabelle Lee.
That spring we set sail as the crowds waved from shore and on board the crew waved their hats, but I never had family, just the Annabelle Lee, so I'd never had cause to look back.
I just set the course North and I studied the charts, and toward dark I drifted toward sleep, and I dreamed of the fine deep harbor I'd find past the ice for my Annabelle Lee.
After that it got colder the world got quiet; it was never quite day or quite night, and the sea turned the color of sky turned the color of sea turned the color of ice, 'til at last all around us was vastness, one vast glassy desert of arsenic white. The waves that once lifted us sifted instead into drifts against Annabelle's sides.
The crew gathered closer; at first for the comfort each morning would bring a new set of the tracks in the snow leading over the edge of the world... 'til I was the only one left.
After that it gets cloudy, but it feels like I lay there for days or maybe for months. But Annabelle held me, the two of us happy just to think back on all we had done. We talked of the other new worlds we'd discover; she gave up her body to me, and as I chopped up her mainsail for timber I told her of all that we still had to see.
As the frost turned her moorings to nine-tail and the wind lashed her sides in the cold, I burned her to keep me alive every night in the lover's embrace of her hold.
I won't call it "rescue" what brought me back to the old world to drink and decline, and pretend that the search for another new world was well worth the burning of mine.
But sometimes at night in my dreams comes the singing of some unknown tropical bird, and I smile in my sleep thinking Annabelle Lee has finally made it to another new world.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
So Runs the World Away
This man is a poet through and through. How can any one person be so multiply gifted?
It's a hungry world out there; even the wind will take a bite. I can feel the world circling, sniffing round me in the night. The lost sheep grow teeth, forsake the lambs and lie with the lions.
The living is desperate precarious and mean and getting by is so hard that even the rocks are picked clean. The bones of small contention are the only food the hungry find; where the thistles eat the thorns and the roses have no chance. The sky's so cold and clear the stars might stick you where you stand, and you're only glad it's dark because you might see the master's hand; you might cast around forever and never find the peace you seek.
For every cry in the night somebody says, "Have faith! Be content inside your questions"
Tell me, what's the point of light when you have to strike a match to find?
So throw away those lamentations; we both know them all too well.
If there's a book of jubilations we'll have to write it for ourselves.
So come and lie beside me darling, and let's write it while we still got time.
So if you got a light, hold it high for me.
I need it bad tonight, hold it high for me in that lonesome place.
With all the hurt that I've done that can't be undone, hold it high for me.
Light and guide me through; I'll do the same for you,
Hold it high for me; I'll hold it high for you,
Because I know you've got your own valley to walk.
Though it's dark as death and then gets darker, though your path is blocked, I'll hold it high for you through the thieves and rocks and keep you safe from harm.
-Josh Ritter
It's a hungry world out there; even the wind will take a bite. I can feel the world circling, sniffing round me in the night. The lost sheep grow teeth, forsake the lambs and lie with the lions.
The living is desperate precarious and mean and getting by is so hard that even the rocks are picked clean. The bones of small contention are the only food the hungry find; where the thistles eat the thorns and the roses have no chance. The sky's so cold and clear the stars might stick you where you stand, and you're only glad it's dark because you might see the master's hand; you might cast around forever and never find the peace you seek.
For every cry in the night somebody says, "Have faith! Be content inside your questions"
Tell me, what's the point of light when you have to strike a match to find?
So throw away those lamentations; we both know them all too well.
If there's a book of jubilations we'll have to write it for ourselves.
So come and lie beside me darling, and let's write it while we still got time.
So if you got a light, hold it high for me.
I need it bad tonight, hold it high for me in that lonesome place.
With all the hurt that I've done that can't be undone, hold it high for me.
Light and guide me through; I'll do the same for you,
Hold it high for me; I'll hold it high for you,
Because I know you've got your own valley to walk.
Though it's dark as death and then gets darker, though your path is blocked, I'll hold it high for you through the thieves and rocks and keep you safe from harm.
-Josh Ritter
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
What I used to be will pass away and then you'll see that all I want now is happiness for you and me. -Elliott Smith
A man said to the universe:
"Sir I exist!"
"However," replied the universe,
"The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation."
-- Stephen Crane
"Sir I exist!"
"However," replied the universe,
"The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation."
-- Stephen Crane
Monday, March 15, 2010
A Poison Tree, William Blake
I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I watered it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright.
And my foe beheld it shine.
And he knew that it was mine,
And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretched beneath the tree.
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I watered it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright.
And my foe beheld it shine.
And he knew that it was mine,
And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretched beneath the tree.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The Usual Suspects
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand
She felt a bored indifference toward the immediate world around her, toward other children and adults alike. She took it as a regrettable accident, to be borne patiently for a while, that she happened to be imprisoned among people who were dull. She had caught a glimpse of another world and she knew that it existed somewhere . . . She had to wait, she thought, and grow up to that world.
The adversary she found herself forced to fight was not worth matching or beating; it was not a superior ability which she would have found challenging; it was ineptitude-a gray spread of cotton that seemed soft and shapeless, that could offer no resistance to anything or anybody, yet managed to be a barrier in her way. She stood, disarmed, before the riddle of what made this possible. She could find no answer.
Through the years of her childhood, [she] lived in the future – in the world she expected to find, where she would not have to feel contempt or boredom.
The purpose of philosophy is not to help men find the meaning of life, but to prove to them that there isn’t any.
The adversary she found herself forced to fight was not worth matching or beating; it was not a superior ability which she would have found challenging; it was ineptitude-a gray spread of cotton that seemed soft and shapeless, that could offer no resistance to anything or anybody, yet managed to be a barrier in her way. She stood, disarmed, before the riddle of what made this possible. She could find no answer.
Through the years of her childhood, [she] lived in the future – in the world she expected to find, where she would not have to feel contempt or boredom.
The purpose of philosophy is not to help men find the meaning of life, but to prove to them that there isn’t any.
Monday, January 25, 2010
The Magus by John Fowles
"if a person is intelligent, then of course he is either an agnostic or an atheist. Just as he is a physical coward. They are automatic definitions of high intelligence. But I am not talking about God. I am talking about science".
Friday, January 22, 2010
Ok unfortunately my computer is broken hardcore so I can't type all I want to say. But Bills present to me was the most thoughtful thing anyone has done. I got to see Josh Ritter live! And now were going again in may and I am so excited. I will probably die. I especially want to see him perform "Kathleen".
How great are his lyrics?!! This is part of "Rumors" off his newest album.
He plays pianos with fistfuls
Of broken Belvedere crystal
And he's trying to forget you
But the music's never loud enough
So you're gonna have to show me
How that dance is done
The one where somebody leaves someone
He's impaling the front row
Fighting fires with arrows
And he'll act like he forgot you
But the music's never loud enough
And this is from "Man Burning" off of "Hello Starling". Not only are his lyrics amazing, but the music itself kills me it's so beautiful.
Don't stand so close to me
Don't be another tragedy
I've burned everybody who had a hand to lend
No one put me in this hell
I lit a fire underneath myself
Now I'm blazing the same old trail back to you again
How great are his lyrics?!! This is part of "Rumors" off his newest album.
He plays pianos with fistfuls
Of broken Belvedere crystal
And he's trying to forget you
But the music's never loud enough
So you're gonna have to show me
How that dance is done
The one where somebody leaves someone
He's impaling the front row
Fighting fires with arrows
And he'll act like he forgot you
But the music's never loud enough
And this is from "Man Burning" off of "Hello Starling". Not only are his lyrics amazing, but the music itself kills me it's so beautiful.
Don't stand so close to me
Don't be another tragedy
I've burned everybody who had a hand to lend
No one put me in this hell
I lit a fire underneath myself
Now I'm blazing the same old trail back to you again
Monday, January 11, 2010
You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit. -Oscar Wilde, The Portrait of Dorian Grey
"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here."
— Dante Alighieri (The Divine Comedy)
"Into the eternal darkness, into fire and into ice. "
— Dante Alighieri (The Divine Comedy)
"What is a poet? An unhappy man who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music.... And people flock around the poet and say: 'Sing again soon' - that is, 'May new sufferings torment your soul but your lips be fashioned as before, for the cry would only frighten us, but the music, that is blissful.'"
— Søren Kierkegaard (Either - Or)
"Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others."
— Oscar Wilde
"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell."
— Oscar Wilde
"In addition to my other numerous acquaintances, I have one more intimate confidant. . . . My depression is the most faithful mistress I have known- no wonder, then, that I return the love."
— Søren Kierkegaard
"Those who do not like you fall into two categories; the stupid and the envious."
— John Wilmot
"I regret nothing. No woman with any self-respect would have done less. The question of good and evil will always be one of philosophy's most intriguing problems, up there with the problem of existence itself. I'm not quarreling with your choice of issues, only with your intellectually diminished approach. If evil means to be self-motivated, to live on one's own terms, then every artist, every thinker, every original mind, is evil. Because we dare to look through our own eyes rather than mouth cliches lent us from the so-called Fathers. To dare to see is to steal fire from the Gods. This is mankind's destiny, the engine which fuels us as a race. "
— Janet Fitch (White Oleander)
— Dante Alighieri (The Divine Comedy)
"Into the eternal darkness, into fire and into ice. "
— Dante Alighieri (The Divine Comedy)
"What is a poet? An unhappy man who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music.... And people flock around the poet and say: 'Sing again soon' - that is, 'May new sufferings torment your soul but your lips be fashioned as before, for the cry would only frighten us, but the music, that is blissful.'"
— Søren Kierkegaard (Either - Or)
"Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others."
— Oscar Wilde
"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell."
— Oscar Wilde
"In addition to my other numerous acquaintances, I have one more intimate confidant. . . . My depression is the most faithful mistress I have known- no wonder, then, that I return the love."
— Søren Kierkegaard
"Those who do not like you fall into two categories; the stupid and the envious."
— John Wilmot
"I regret nothing. No woman with any self-respect would have done less. The question of good and evil will always be one of philosophy's most intriguing problems, up there with the problem of existence itself. I'm not quarreling with your choice of issues, only with your intellectually diminished approach. If evil means to be self-motivated, to live on one's own terms, then every artist, every thinker, every original mind, is evil. Because we dare to look through our own eyes rather than mouth cliches lent us from the so-called Fathers. To dare to see is to steal fire from the Gods. This is mankind's destiny, the engine which fuels us as a race. "
— Janet Fitch (White Oleander)
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
The Usual Suspects is a really good movie. Thank you, Bill, for the recommendation. Work at 6:30 am, oh joy! But guess what? It's money. And money is the root of all material enjoyment. Which is fun.
30 Rock is the greatest show ever, even more than Arrested Development. Because Arrested Development is genius, but every single episode doesn't fulfill my soul the way every single episode of 30 rock has moments that do. Maybe that's a horrible reflection on myself, but Jack Donaghy is probably my hero.
I seriously cannot wait for New Moon to come out, and I'm really excited to watch Twilight with Bill in preparation (for him).
30 Rock is the greatest show ever, even more than Arrested Development. Because Arrested Development is genius, but every single episode doesn't fulfill my soul the way every single episode of 30 rock has moments that do. Maybe that's a horrible reflection on myself, but Jack Donaghy is probably my hero.
I seriously cannot wait for New Moon to come out, and I'm really excited to watch Twilight with Bill in preparation (for him).
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I wanna pull it apart and put it back together
Isn't it funny how when life is sucking I write in my blog constantly, but when life is good I ignore it for months? How emo of me. Anyway, I'm trying to reverse that habit. So much has happened since I last posted...I decided not to go back to Hamilton (which was one of the healthiest decisions I've ever made), I got a boyfriend who is AWESOME, I got an actual job because I realized I needed more funding to continue with the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed, I (mostly) pulled my life together and stopped being an alcoholic on a downward spiral, and of course I caused trouble and pissed people off most likely because we wouldn't be human (and I certainly wouldn't be me) if things like that didn't happen.
I'm super happy right now because I got my Saturday work shift covered so now I can actually celebrate Bill's birthday and not have work at 6 fucking am the next day. Hallelujah.
It always astounds me how much happens in the span of a few months, and how much we can't predict about where life might go. SO MUCH has happened since college began; even since last summer. wowza my small human brain can't quite handle it. Good thing I'm a philosophy major because I spend most of my time being existentially dumbfounded.
Also, FYI to the world: I want these shoes. And I will get them. Soon...because I have a job, and no sense of reasonable spending.
I'm super happy right now because I got my Saturday work shift covered so now I can actually celebrate Bill's birthday and not have work at 6 fucking am the next day. Hallelujah.
It always astounds me how much happens in the span of a few months, and how much we can't predict about where life might go. SO MUCH has happened since college began; even since last summer. wowza my small human brain can't quite handle it. Good thing I'm a philosophy major because I spend most of my time being existentially dumbfounded.
Also, FYI to the world: I want these shoes. And I will get them. Soon...because I have a job, and no sense of reasonable spending.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
poems
She turns and looks a moment in the glass,
Hardly aware of her departed lover;
Her brain allows one half-formed thought to pass:
'Well now that's done: and I'm glad it's over.'
Hardly aware of her departed lover;
Her brain allows one half-formed thought to pass:
'Well now that's done: and I'm glad it's over.'
| And I will show you something different from either | |
| Your shadow at morning striding behind you | |
| Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you; | |
| I will show you fear in a handful of dust. |
| 'My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with me. | |
| 'Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak. | |
| 'What are you thinking of? What thinking? What? | |
| 'I never know what you are thinking. Think.' |
| He who was living is now dead | |
| We who were living are now dying | |
| With a little patience |
| The awful daring of a moment's surrender |
| Which an age of prudence can never retract |
| By this, and this only, we have existed |
| Which is not to be found in our obituaries |
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Down in it
And I was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe.
Sometimes I don't believe them myself and I decided I was never coming down.
I was up above it.
Now I'm down in it
So what what does it matter now.
I was swimming in the hate now I crawl on the ground.
I used to be so big and strong.
I used to know my right from wrong.
I used to never be afraid.
I used to be somebody.
I used to have something inside.
Now just this hole it's open wide.
I used to want it all.
I used to be somebody.
And all the world's weight is on my back and I don't even know why.
And what I used to think was me is just a fading memory.
Sometimes I don't believe them myself and I decided I was never coming down.
I was up above it.
Now I'm down in it
So what what does it matter now.
I was swimming in the hate now I crawl on the ground.
I used to be so big and strong.
I used to know my right from wrong.
I used to never be afraid.
I used to be somebody.
I used to have something inside.
Now just this hole it's open wide.
I used to want it all.
I used to be somebody.
And all the world's weight is on my back and I don't even know why.
And what I used to think was me is just a fading memory.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Baudelaire
One should always be drunk. That's all that matters;
that's our one imperative need. So as not to feel Time's
horrible burden one which breaks your shoulders and bows you down, you must get drunk without cease. But with what?
With wine, poetry, or virtue
as you choose.
But get drunk.
And if, at some time, on steps of a palace,
in the green grass of a ditch,
in the bleak solitude of your room,
you are waking and the drunkenness has already abated,
ask the wind, the wave, the stars, the clock,
all that which flees,
all that which groans,
all that which rolls,
all that which sings,
all that which speaks,
ask them, what time it is;
and the wind, the wave, the stars, the birds, and the clock,
they will all reply: "It is time to get drunk!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Closer, NIN
You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you.
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you.
Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell.
Help me get away from myself.
My whole existence is flawed.
You can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings
Help me tear down my reason, help me become somebody else.
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you.
Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell.
Help me get away from myself.
My whole existence is flawed.
You can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings
Help me tear down my reason, help me become somebody else.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Ebb; Millay
Friday, April 3, 2009
Kinda I Want To
i can't shake this feeling from my head.
there's a devil sleeping in my bed.
i cannot make this feeling go away
i know it's not the right thing.
and I know it's not the good think.
but kinda i want to.
i'm not sure of what i should do.
all of my excuses turn to lies.
maybe God will cover up his eyes
maybe just for tonight.
we can pretend it's alright.
what's the price i pay.
i don't care what they say.
i want to.
there's a devil sleeping in my bed.
i cannot make this feeling go away
i know it's not the right thing.
and I know it's not the good think.
but kinda i want to.
i'm not sure of what i should do.
all of my excuses turn to lies.
maybe God will cover up his eyes
maybe just for tonight.
we can pretend it's alright.
what's the price i pay.
i don't care what they say.
i want to.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Portrait of a Lady
| “I have saved this afternoon for you”; | |
| And four wax candles in the darkened room, | |
| Four rings of light upon the ceiling overhead, | 5 |
| An atmosphere of Juliet’s tomb | |
| Prepared for all the things to be said, or left unsaid. |
The Waste Land
Sometimes something as simple as poetry excerpts remind me there's a point to living and that life is beautiful. I used to worry that that was a dumb reason to live, but now I realize there is NO reason to live, no point in life. And that's not depressing, it's wonderful and liberating. My brain has been thinking the wrong way all alone; it's time to reprogram. Every time i feel a stress about a decision, or try to make a choice for the "right" reason, I need to stop and look at what I'm doing and thinking, and why. This is exactly what Ayn Rand meant by selfishness.
I sat with Jason drinking wine, listening to a beautiful song, sitting in the sun, and I realized that's exactly what I want an thats exactly the point of life. Everything I love, everything I want to do..I should do it, embrace it, and enjoy it. Of course, there are limits to consider which is where it gets tricky. But that's okay.
| APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Memory and desire, stirring | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Dull roots with spring rain. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Winter kept us warm, covering | 5 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Earth in forgetful snow, feeding | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
A little life with dried tubers.
|
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Novelization
My cold stare isn't watching you, it's literally penetrating you. Going right through, as though you don't exist. Because, to me, you don't. Or I wish you didn't. Either way, I'm not interested in who you are. I sense that there could be something interesting on occasion, but this is a rare flicker in the darkened swamp of my daily rounds. I can't describe what the waitress looked like, I don't know what color shirt the girl next to me had on this morning.
And yet, when I want to, I can turn on the charm. Make you intoxicated by me, curious for more, feel lucky for the opportunity to know me. The cruelty that exudes from my pores gives me some sort of allure and mystery. This is how I catch my prey...they come to me, but only when I want them to.
And yet, when I want to, I can turn on the charm. Make you intoxicated by me, curious for more, feel lucky for the opportunity to know me. The cruelty that exudes from my pores gives me some sort of allure and mystery. This is how I catch my prey...they come to me, but only when I want them to.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Oleanders in a glass of milk
Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.
— Janet Fitch
Her hatred glittered irresistibly. I could see it, the jewel, it was sapphire, it was the cold lakes of Norway.
— Janet Fitch
— Janet Fitch
Her hatred glittered irresistibly. I could see it, the jewel, it was sapphire, it was the cold lakes of Norway.
— Janet Fitch
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Am I still tough enough?
Feels like I’m wearing down.
Is my viciousness losing ground?
Am I taking too much? Did I cross a line?
I need my role in this very clearly defined.
I need your discipline; I need your help...
You know once I start I cannot help myself
And now it's starting up, feels like I'm losing touch.
Nothing matters to me; nothing matters as much
-Discipline, NIN
I hope they cannot see the limitless potential living inside of me.
I hope they cannot see I am the great destroyer.
-NIN
Feels like I’m wearing down.
Is my viciousness losing ground?
Am I taking too much? Did I cross a line?
I need my role in this very clearly defined.
I need your discipline; I need your help...
You know once I start I cannot help myself
And now it's starting up, feels like I'm losing touch.
Nothing matters to me; nothing matters as much
-Discipline, NIN
I hope they cannot see the limitless potential living inside of me.
I hope they cannot see I am the great destroyer.
-NIN
"I'd rather die than give you control." — Trent Reznor
"Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love: it is the faithless who know love's tragedies." — Oscar Wilde
"When the soul suffers too much, it develops a taste for misfortune."— Albert Camus
"Sorrow is knowledge, those that know the most must mourn the deepest, the tree of knowledge is not the tree of life. " — George Gordon Byron
"Every heart has its secret sorrows which the world knows not, and oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad." — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell." — Oscar Wilde
"With freedom, books, flowers, and the moon, who could not be happy? " — Oscar Wilde
I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them."— Oscar Wilde
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." — Robert Frost
"Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood." — Ralph Waldo Emerson (Self Reliance)
"Be careful, lest in casting out your demon you exorcise the best thing in you."
— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
"Remorse.-- Never yield to remorse, but at once tell yourself: remorse would simply mean adding to the first act of stupidity a second."— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
"When the soul suffers too much, it develops a taste for misfortune."— Albert Camus
"Sorrow is knowledge, those that know the most must mourn the deepest, the tree of knowledge is not the tree of life. " — George Gordon Byron
"Every heart has its secret sorrows which the world knows not, and oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad." — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell." — Oscar Wilde
"With freedom, books, flowers, and the moon, who could not be happy? " — Oscar Wilde
I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them."— Oscar Wilde
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." — Robert Frost
"Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood." — Ralph Waldo Emerson (Self Reliance)
"Be careful, lest in casting out your demon you exorcise the best thing in you."
— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
"Remorse.-- Never yield to remorse, but at once tell yourself: remorse would simply mean adding to the first act of stupidity a second."— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
My head is filled with silvery stars -Wilco
Lately I've been thinking a lot about God. I know that no matter what happens, I will never believe that God is real. There is no way that God, if he existed, would allow the world to exist as it is now. Unless he's a sociopathic freak who enjoys watching pain. But I doubt that. I don't know why we are here, or how the universe got created. Part of me thinks it has to be a miracle of some sort, but part of me also thinks that it just happened. There was an explosion or something and now after much evolution we are here. We aren't special or important, we're just animals that evolved from some cells, and we aren't the be all and end all. Humans are here for now, but eventually we won't be. We've only been here a short time, but we think we're the most important thing ever.
I guess that's part of why religion irks me. Because it feeds into the notion that we are so very special. The earth is young, we were the first creatures, and the earth is here for us to "subdue and have dominion over" (Genesis). This is just wrong. We don't matter any more than the lichen on trees matter.
This does not mean that I don't find the world amazing and beautiful and complex and fascinating. I can bring myself to awed tears if I think hard enough about the fact that we are here, and the universe is infinite. Human beings cannot even comprehend what infinity is, because we are finite beings.
Lately, I've been trying to grapple with how people can live their daily lives with certainty that God is an actual man or entity. I'm willing to concede some sort of spirituality, but I could never ever believe that there is an ACTUAL real God. And the idea that plenty of people, many who are quite intelligent, think God is real astounds me.
Am I missing out on something by lacking any sort of faith in a higher power? I really don't know. But I'm too rational and set in my ways to ever accept God as fact. I don't even like capitalizing the word God. It annoys me. I don't think that having faith necessarily makes you a better person or happier. It surely can, but it isn't a guarantee.
I'm trying really hard to evaluate my life and understand who I really am. But God is not going to help me do this. Other people might look to God, but I look to myself. And what worries me is that by always looking to myself, I will never grow into a less self-centered person. I have the ability to love very deeply, but I also have the ability to hurt very deeply, frequently without real remorse.
But so many great minds and great thinkers have been atheistic, self-serving, and messed up that it makes me think I don't really want or need to change. Even if I manage to grow and manage not to hurt people directly, I think I will always still see people as insignificant in some way. There is a very limited number of people who I would truly put before myself. Everyone else is secondary to me, my goals, my desires, and my life. Half the time I don't even see other people.
I guess that's part of why religion irks me. Because it feeds into the notion that we are so very special. The earth is young, we were the first creatures, and the earth is here for us to "subdue and have dominion over" (Genesis). This is just wrong. We don't matter any more than the lichen on trees matter.
This does not mean that I don't find the world amazing and beautiful and complex and fascinating. I can bring myself to awed tears if I think hard enough about the fact that we are here, and the universe is infinite. Human beings cannot even comprehend what infinity is, because we are finite beings.
Lately, I've been trying to grapple with how people can live their daily lives with certainty that God is an actual man or entity. I'm willing to concede some sort of spirituality, but I could never ever believe that there is an ACTUAL real God. And the idea that plenty of people, many who are quite intelligent, think God is real astounds me.
Am I missing out on something by lacking any sort of faith in a higher power? I really don't know. But I'm too rational and set in my ways to ever accept God as fact. I don't even like capitalizing the word God. It annoys me. I don't think that having faith necessarily makes you a better person or happier. It surely can, but it isn't a guarantee.
I'm trying really hard to evaluate my life and understand who I really am. But God is not going to help me do this. Other people might look to God, but I look to myself. And what worries me is that by always looking to myself, I will never grow into a less self-centered person. I have the ability to love very deeply, but I also have the ability to hurt very deeply, frequently without real remorse.
But so many great minds and great thinkers have been atheistic, self-serving, and messed up that it makes me think I don't really want or need to change. Even if I manage to grow and manage not to hurt people directly, I think I will always still see people as insignificant in some way. There is a very limited number of people who I would truly put before myself. Everyone else is secondary to me, my goals, my desires, and my life. Half the time I don't even see other people.
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