Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

The Usual Suspects is a really good movie. Thank you, Bill, for the recommendation. Work at 6:30 am, oh joy! But guess what? It's money. And money is the root of all material enjoyment. Which is fun.

30 Rock is the greatest show ever, even more than Arrested Development. Because Arrested Development is genius, but every single episode doesn't fulfill my soul the way every single episode of 30 rock has moments that do. Maybe that's a horrible reflection on myself, but Jack Donaghy is probably my hero.

I seriously cannot wait for New Moon to come out, and I'm really excited to watch Twilight with Bill in preparation (for him).

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I wanna pull it apart and put it back together

Isn't it funny how when life is sucking I write in my blog constantly, but when life is good I ignore it for months? How emo of me. Anyway, I'm trying to reverse that habit. So much has happened since I last posted...I decided not to go back to Hamilton (which was one of the healthiest decisions I've ever made), I got a boyfriend who is AWESOME, I got an actual job because I realized I needed more funding to continue with the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed, I (mostly) pulled my life together and stopped being an alcoholic on a downward spiral, and of course I caused trouble and pissed people off most likely because we wouldn't be human (and I certainly wouldn't be me) if things like that didn't happen.

I'm super happy right now because I got my Saturday work shift covered so now I can actually celebrate Bill's birthday and not have work at 6 fucking am the next day. Hallelujah.

It always astounds me how much happens in the span of a few months, and how much we can't predict about where life might go. SO MUCH has happened since college began; even since last summer. wowza my small human brain can't quite handle it. Good thing I'm a philosophy major because I spend most of my time being existentially dumbfounded.

Also, FYI to the world: I want these shoes. And I will get them. Soon...because I have a job, and no sense of reasonable spending.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


She turns and looks a moment in the glass,
Hardly aware of her departed lover;
Her brain allows one half-formed thought to pass:
'Well now that's done: and I'm glad it's over.'

And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

'My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with me.
'Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.
'What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?
'I never know what you are thinking. Think.'

He who was living is now dead
We who were living are now dying
With a little patience

The awful daring of a moment's surrender
Which an age of prudence can never retract
By this, and this only, we have existed
Which is not to be found in our obituaries

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Down in it

And I was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe.
Sometimes I don't believe them myself and I decided I was never coming down.

I was up above it.
Now I'm down in it

So what what does it matter now.
I was swimming in the hate now I crawl on the ground.

I used to be so big and strong.
I used to know my right from wrong.
I used to never be afraid.
I used to be somebody.

I used to have something inside.
Now just this hole it's open wide.
I used to want it all.
I used to be somebody.

And all the world's weight is on my back and I don't even know why.
And what I used to think was me is just a fading memory.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


One should always be drunk. That's all that matters;
that's our one imperative need. So as not to feel Time's
horrible burden one which breaks your shoulders and bows you down, you must get drunk without cease. But with what?
With wine, poetry, or virtue
as you choose.

But get drunk.

And if, at some time, on steps of a palace,
in the green grass of a ditch,
in the bleak solitude of your room,
you are waking and the drunkenness has already abated,
ask the wind, the wave, the stars, the clock,
all that which flees,
all that which groans,
all that which rolls,
all that which sings,
all that which speaks,
ask them, what time it is;
and the wind, the wave, the stars, the birds, and the clock,

they will all reply: "It is time to get drunk!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Closer, NIN

You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you.
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you.
Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell.

Help me get away from myself.
My whole existence is flawed.

You can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings

Help me tear down my reason, help me become somebody else.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Ebb; Millay

I know what my heart is like
Since your love died:
It is like a hollow ledge
Holding a little pool
Left there by the tide,
A little tepid pool,
Drying inward from the edge.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Kinda I Want To

i can't shake this feeling from my head.
there's a devil sleeping in my bed.
i cannot make this feeling go away

i know it's not the right thing.
and I know it's not the good think.
but kinda i want to.

i'm not sure of what i should do.
all of my excuses turn to lies.
maybe God will cover up his eyes

maybe just for tonight.
we can pretend it's alright.
what's the price i pay.
i don't care what they say.
i want to.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Portrait of a Lady

“I have saved this afternoon for you”;
And four wax candles in the darkened room,
Four rings of light upon the ceiling overhead, 5
An atmosphere of Juliet’s tomb
Prepared for all the things to be said, or left unsaid.

Inside my brain a dull tom-tom begins
Absurdly hammering a prelude of its own,

Let us take the air, in a tobacco trance,
Admire the monuments,
Discuss the late events,
Correct our watches by the public clocks.
Then sit for half an hour and drink our bocks.

Now that lilacs are in bloom
She has a bowl of lilacs in her room
And twists one in his fingers while she talks.

And youth is cruel, and has no remorse
And smiles at situations which it cannot see.”

“Yet with these April sunsets, that somehow recall
My buried life, and Paris in the Spring,
I feel immeasurably at peace, and find the world
To be wonderful and youthful, after all.”

You are invulnerable, you have no Achilles’ heel.
You will go on, and when you have prevailed
You can say: at this point many a one has failed.
I take my hat: how can I make a cowardly amends
For what she has said to me?

With the smell of hyacinths across the garden
Recalling things that other people have desired.
Are these ideas right or wrong?

My self-possession gutters; we are really in the dark.

The Waste Land

Sometimes something as simple as poetry excerpts remind me there's a point to living and that life is beautiful. I used to worry that that was a dumb reason to live, but now I realize there is NO reason to live, no point in life. And that's not depressing, it's wonderful and liberating. My brain has been thinking the wrong way all alone; it's time to reprogram. Every time i feel a stress about a decision, or try to make a choice for the "right" reason, I need to stop and look at what I'm doing and thinking, and why. This is exactly what Ayn Rand meant by selfishness.

I sat with Jason drinking wine, listening to a beautiful song, sitting in the sun, and I realized that's exactly what I want an thats exactly the point of life. Everything I love, everything I want to do..I should do it, embrace it, and enjoy it. Of course, there are limits to consider which is where it gets tricky. But that's okay.

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering 5
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.

What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish?

I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

I could not
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing, 40
Looking into the heart of light, the silence.

THE Chair she sat in, like a burnished throne,
Glowed on the marble

The wind
Crosses the brown land, unheard. The nymphs are departed. 7

After the frosty silence in the gardens
After the agony in stony places

He who was living is now dead
We who were living are now dying
With a little patience

Thursday, March 5, 2009


My cold stare isn't watching you, it's literally penetrating you. Going right through, as though you don't exist. Because, to me, you don't. Or I wish you didn't. Either way, I'm not interested in who you are. I sense that there could be something interesting on occasion, but this is a rare flicker in the darkened swamp of my daily rounds. I can't describe what the waitress looked like, I don't know what color shirt the girl next to me had on this morning.

And yet, when I want to, I can turn on the charm. Make you intoxicated by me, curious for more, feel lucky for the opportunity to know me. The cruelty that exudes from my pores gives me some sort of allure and mystery. This is how I catch my prey...they come to me, but only when I want them to.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Oleanders in a glass of milk

Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.
— Janet Fitch

Her hatred glittered irresistibly. I could see it, the jewel, it was sapphire, it was the cold lakes of Norway.
— Janet Fitch

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The soul selects her own society,
Then shuts the door;
On her divine majority
Obtrude no more.

Unmoved, she notes the chariot's pausing
At her low gate;
Unmoved, an emperor is kneeling
Upon her mat.

I've known her from an ample nation
Choose one;
Then close the valves of her attention
Like stone.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Am I still tough enough?
Feels like I’m wearing down.
Is my viciousness losing ground?
Am I taking too much? Did I cross a line?
I need my role in this very clearly defined.

I need your discipline; I need your help...
You know once I start I cannot help myself

And now it's starting up, feels like I'm losing touch.
Nothing matters to me; nothing matters as much
-Discipline, NIN

I hope they cannot see the limitless potential living inside of me.
I hope they cannot see I am the great destroyer.

"I'd rather die than give you control." — Trent Reznor

"Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love: it is the faithless who know love's tragedies." — Oscar Wilde

"When the soul suffers too much, it develops a taste for misfortune."— Albert Camus

"Sorrow is knowledge, those that know the most must mourn the deepest, the tree of knowledge is not the tree of life. " — George Gordon Byron

"Every heart has its secret sorrows which the world knows not, and oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad." — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell." — Oscar Wilde

"With freedom, books, flowers, and the moon, who could not be happy? " — Oscar Wilde

I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them."— Oscar Wilde

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." — Robert Frost

"Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood." — Ralph Waldo Emerson (Self Reliance)

"Be careful, lest in casting out your demon you exorcise the best thing in you."
— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"Remorse.-- Never yield to remorse, but at once tell yourself: remorse would simply mean adding to the first act of stupidity a second."— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

My head is filled with silvery stars -Wilco

Lately I've been thinking a lot about God. I know that no matter what happens, I will never believe that God is real. There is no way that God, if he existed, would allow the world to exist as it is now. Unless he's a sociopathic freak who enjoys watching pain. But I doubt that. I don't know why we are here, or how the universe got created. Part of me thinks it has to be a miracle of some sort, but part of me also thinks that it just happened. There was an explosion or something and now after much evolution we are here. We aren't special or important, we're just animals that evolved from some cells, and we aren't the be all and end all. Humans are here for now, but eventually we won't be. We've only been here a short time, but we think we're the most important thing ever.

I guess that's part of why religion irks me. Because it feeds into the notion that we are so very special. The earth is young, we were the first creatures, and the earth is here for us to "subdue and have dominion over" (Genesis). This is just wrong. We don't matter any more than the lichen on trees matter.

This does not mean that I don't find the world amazing and beautiful and complex and fascinating. I can bring myself to awed tears if I think hard enough about the fact that we are here, and the universe is infinite. Human beings cannot even comprehend what infinity is, because we are finite beings.

Lately, I've been trying to grapple with how people can live their daily lives with certainty that God is an actual man or entity. I'm willing to concede some sort of spirituality, but I could never ever believe that there is an ACTUAL real God. And the idea that plenty of people, many who are quite intelligent, think God is real astounds me.

Am I missing out on something by lacking any sort of faith in a higher power? I really don't know. But I'm too rational and set in my ways to ever accept God as fact. I don't even like capitalizing the word God. It annoys me. I don't think that having faith necessarily makes you a better person or happier. It surely can, but it isn't a guarantee.

I'm trying really hard to evaluate my life and understand who I really am. But God is not going to help me do this. Other people might look to God, but I look to myself. And what worries me is that by always looking to myself, I will never grow into a less self-centered person. I have the ability to love very deeply, but I also have the ability to hurt very deeply, frequently without real remorse.

But so many great minds and great thinkers have been atheistic, self-serving, and messed up that it makes me think I don't really want or need to change. Even if I manage to grow and manage not to hurt people directly, I think I will always still see people as insignificant in some way. There is a very limited number of people who I would truly put before myself. Everyone else is secondary to me, my goals, my desires, and my life. Half the time I don't even see other people.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Waiting for sedation to disconnect my head. -Elliott Smith

I keep collections of some of my favorite quotes.... so here is one collection of similar themes. Next post will be my favorite happy/love/nature quotes.

God is dead and no one cares
If there is a Hell, I'll see you there
-Heresy, NIN

Truth be told, I'm lying.
You wonder where it all went wrong...the list goes on and on.
-Gives You Hell, All American Rejects

Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others.
— Oscar Wilde

I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you're allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It's like killing yourself, and then you're reborn. I guess I've lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.
— Charles Bukowski

Lying's the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off. But it's better if you do.

The blackest sea
And it runs deeper than you
Wave goodbye
To what you were
The rules have changed
The lines begin to blur
She makes you hard
It comes on strong
You finally found
The place where you belong
-With Teeth, NIN

Work is the disease of the drinking classes.
-Oscar Wilde

On the surface, all is calm.
-Swimming Pool

You can do what you want to, whenever you want to, though it doesn't mean a thing...Big nothing.
-Elliott Smith, Either/Or

I am so all-American, I'll sell you suicide.
I am totalitarian, I've got abortions in my eyes.
I hate the hater, I'd rape the raper.
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers.
Let's just kill everyone and let your god sort them out.
-Irresponsible Hate Anthem, Marilyn Manson

Remember what you said
You know the part about life,
Is just a waking dream
Well I know what you mean
But that ain't how it seems right here, right now
How can this be real?
I can hardly feel

You're distant and cold, and a sight to behold... everybody just sighs. But no one gets off with you very long, cause you don't feel bad when you lie.
-Shooting Star, Elliott Smith

Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help.
-Robert A. Heinlein

First of all, whenever I hear anything described as a heartless assault on our children, I tend to think it’s a good idea. I’m happy that the president’s willing to do something bad for the kids.
-William Kristol, the editor of The Weekly Standard

Hatred, the mischievous delight in the misfortune of others, the lust to rob and dominate, and whatever else is called evil belongs to the most amazing economy of the preservation of the species.
-Friedrich Nietzsche

I am the voice inside your head
I am the hate you try to hide
I am the high you can't sustain
I am the need you have for more
I am the bullet in the gun
I am the truth from which you run
I am the silencing machine
I am the end of all your dreams
And I control you
You let me do this to you.
-Nine Inch Nails

Listen carefully....... That's the sound of me not caring.
-Pretty Persuasion

So once again the way you feel will never ever stay the same and I'm to blame. I wonder just who made the rules up for this game. Well I guess I just don't understand about what you want and what you need. And I guess I just don't understand about how it has to be.
-Nine Inch Nails

I'm drunk, and right now I'm so in love with you. And I don't want to think too much about what we should or shouldn't do. My moral standing is lying down. This is the only time I really feel alive.
-The Only Time, NIN

Who's my next victim? You?
-Nola Rice, Match Point

If you want to lie with me
You're going to be a liar
-Marilyn Manson

But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there.
-American Psycho

Guilt is a rope that wears thin.
- Ayn Rand

All it amounts to is a tear in a salted sea
-10,000 Maniacs

Thursday, February 19, 2009

If evil were a lesser breed than justice, after all these years the righteous would have freed the world of sin.

When they finally come to destroy the earth, they'll have to go through you first. They'll have to deal with you first, and my money says they won't know about the thousand Fahrenheit hot metal lights behind your eyes. That crushing, crashing, atom-smashing, white-hot thing... It's invincible. When they finally come, what will you do to them? Gonna decimate them like you did to me? Will you leave them stunned and stuttering? When they finally come, how will you handle them? Will you devastate them deliberately? So, please use your powers for good. You're invincible.
-Ok go

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Chaos? Check. Dancing star? Getting there.

Having spent your entire life exactly where you are tonight in the valley between intent and deed, you must have mastered this, the fragile art of a good excuse, the little things that get you to believe. You've spent your entire life quick-tongued and always right. Hasn't being right just let you down? Don't you think that maybe, this time, you were wrong? -Ok go

I may know the way to comfort and soothe a weary face, but turn away indifferent

Sit back, matter of fact, teasing, toying, turning, chatting, charming, hissing, playing the crowd.
Play that song again, another couple Klonopin, a nod, a glance, a half-hearted bow.
Oh such grace, oh such beauty, and lipstick and callous and fishnets and malice.
So precious, suspicious, and charming, and vicious. You're a million ways to be cruel.
-Ok go

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Weave, weave the sunlight in your hair

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more
-Lord Byron, from Canto IV of Childe Harold

Monday, February 16, 2009

Heaven is just a rumour I'll dispel

Those who do not like you fall into two categories: the stupid and the envious. The stupid will like you in five years, the envious, never.
-The Libertine

Always learn poems by heart. They have to become the marrow in your bones. Like fluoride in the water, they'll make your soul impervious to the world's soft decay.
-Janet Fitch, White Oleander

Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life.
-Mary Manin Morrissey

You and I, we may look the same, but we are very far apart. There are bullet holes where my compassion used to be, and there is violence in my heart.

Fall in love or fall in hate. Get inspired or be depressed. Flunk a class or ace a test. Become a slut or be reborn a virgin. Get fit or get fat. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Live happily ever after or get divorced. Dance on tables or sit in the corner and be shy. It doesn't matter. Nobody’s actually watching. Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. - Solbeam

I may forget you, but not forgive. -Natalie Merchant

I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself; no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.
-American Psycho

She makes the depression business look surprisingly novel.
Paradise isn't lost, it was hiding all along.
There's the ones that you love,
The ones that love you,
The ones that make you come unglued.
-Marilyn Manson

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

You've got a pretty picture in your head, a pencil full of poison lead, and a sickened smile illegal in every town...

Even after all these years (it's been 7), Elliott Smith is still my favorite and the most likely cure when I'm feeling terrible. I don't listen to him nearly as much as I used to, but every time I go back to him, he's just as good and just as helpful.

Clearly, I was right to select my name from one of his songs. It wasn't a high school crush, it's true love. And I think this name fits me, and I think it always will.

As the years have passed and I've grown up, I've learned things about Elliott Smith that are kind of funny. For example, his song "St. Ives Heaven" is about the cheap malt liquor St. Ives. I never knew that, just listened to the song and wondered what it was about. Now, since being at college, I've found out about what it is, and now the song makes a lot more sense. It's also sadder (but isn't that the essence of Elliott Smith anyway). As a mark of my adult life, I've seen just how gross malt liquor is...I've sat in the middle of a field in the middle of the night, wrapped up in a blanket, smoking hookah, and watching a drunk girl chug "hobo wine" out of a bottle. I've dated a frat boy who got so drunk on none other than St. Ives that he kicked me out of his room and then didn't remember doing it the next day. Ahhh, growing up.

After doing some research, I learned that "hobo wine" is the downfall of the homeless, and around the Skid Row district in California, the sale of malt liqour is actually banned. Go read Elliott Smith's song and you'll understand just how damaging the stuff is.

The other artist who I tend to seek solace in is Trent Reznor. Nine Inch Nails has some fantastic lyrics and angry beats, but Elliott Smith wins in this department. His lyrics are incredible, and always make me stop what I'm doing and want to write them down. Once, in high school, for an assignment I thought was stupid (we were assigned to write our personal Weltanschauung...for anyone who has seen Annie Hall, you know just how pompous and moronic this is) I just turned in a collection of Elliott Smith and NIN lyrics. Needless to say, I put myself on that teacher's shit list. Oh well... I still ended up at a great college. But that's another rant for another day.

Go listen to some music.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Toxic Girl

She's intoxicated by herself
Everyday she's seen with someone else
And every night she kisses someone new
Never you

You're waiting in the shadows for a chance
Because you believe at heart that if you can
Show to her what love is all about
She'll change

She'll talk to you with no one else around
But only if you're able to entertain her
The moment conversation stops she's gone

-The Kings of Convenience