Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand

She felt a bored indifference toward the immediate world around her, toward other children and adults alike.  She took it as a regrettable accident, to be borne patiently for a while, that she happened to be imprisoned among people who were dull.  She had caught a glimpse of another world and she knew that it existed somewhere . . . She had to wait, she thought, and grow up to that world.


The adversary she found herself forced to fight was not worth matching or beating; it was not a superior ability which she would have found challenging; it was ineptitude-a gray spread of cotton that seemed soft and shapeless, that could offer no resistance to anything or anybody, yet managed to be a barrier in her way.  She stood, disarmed, before the riddle of what made this possible.  She could find no answer.


Through the years of her childhood, [she] lived in the future – in the world she expected to find, where she would not have to feel contempt or boredom. 


The purpose of philosophy is not to help men find the meaning of life, but to prove to them that there isn’t any.

The Magus by John Fowles

"if a person is intelligent, then of course he is either an agnostic or an atheist. Just as he is a physical coward. They are automatic definitions of high intelligence. But I am not talking about God. I am talking about science".

Ok unfortunately my computer is broken hardcore so I can't type all I want to say. But Bills present to me was the most thoughtful thing anyone has done. I got to see Josh Ritter live! And now were going again in may and I am so excited. I will probably die. I especially want to see him perform "Kathleen".

How great are his lyrics?!! This is part of "Rumors" off his newest album.

He plays pianos with fistfuls
Of broken Belvedere crystal
And he's trying to forget you
But the music's never loud enough

So you're gonna have to show me
How that dance is done
The one where somebody leaves someone

He's impaling the front row
Fighting fires with arrows
And he'll act like he forgot you
But the music's never loud enough

And this is from "Man Burning" off of "Hello Starling". Not only are his lyrics amazing, but the music itself kills me it's so beautiful.

Don't stand so close to me
Don't be another tragedy
I've burned everybody who had a hand to lend
No one put me in this hell
I lit a fire underneath myself
Now I'm blazing the same old trail back to you again

You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit. -Oscar Wilde, The Portrait of Dorian Grey

"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here."
— Dante Alighieri (The Divine Comedy)

"Into the eternal darkness, into fire and into ice. "
— Dante Alighieri (The Divine Comedy)

"What is a poet? An unhappy man who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music.... And people flock around the poet and say: 'Sing again soon' - that is, 'May new sufferings torment your soul but your lips be fashioned as before, for the cry would only frighten us, but the music, that is blissful.'"
— Søren Kierkegaard (Either - Or)

"Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others."
— Oscar Wilde

"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell."
— Oscar Wilde

"In addition to my other numerous acquaintances, I have one more intimate confidant. . . . My depression is the most faithful mistress I have known- no wonder, then, that I return the love."
— Søren Kierkegaard


"Those who do not like you fall into two categories; the stupid and the envious."
— John Wilmot


"I regret nothing. No woman with any self-respect would have done less. The question of good and evil will always be one of philosophy's most intriguing problems, up there with the problem of existence itself. I'm not quarreling with your choice of issues, only with your intellectually diminished approach. If evil means to be self-motivated, to live on one's own terms, then every artist, every thinker, every original mind, is evil. Because we dare to look through our own eyes rather than mouth cliches lent us from the so-called Fathers. To dare to see is to steal fire from the Gods. This is mankind's destiny, the engine which fuels us as a race. "
— Janet Fitch (White Oleander)

Cool "Invite-only" shopping

Ridiculous deals...Kate Spade coming up! Today was men's Vineyard Vines ties for 30 bucks.

Check it out-Click here!

He who was living is now dead. We who were living are now dying. -T.S. Eliot

I can't even explain what an amazing and lucid thought process I had on my drive home this morning. It felt fantastic...I was so excited to get home and get it all down, and I was scared I'd be too tired actually do it once I got home. Of course, that's exactly what has happened. I hope I don't lose it all to sleep....

I've been awake for 33 hours consecutively.... but I feel like I've detoxed my brain from it's muddled chemistry. I also am having some SLIGHT auditory hallucinations. And lost some basic verbal skills during the last half hour of my shift...which is probably why they sent me home an hour early (thank you!)

Topics:
Real world vs. "our world"
The demographically differentiated angst of youth (noticed this last night)
Emotions and fear
Subtleties of snobbery (real life example from work)
Why we should never say no to anything (sort of)
Humorous motivations to finish school
Dichotomy of personality (ongoing)
Existential breakthroughs (mock if you want, I really don't care)
The madness of genius
Rooftops

This is why I liked my private blog...I could really slam it all out. But if anything, it's good for me to learn how to tailor my thoughts to an audience and a point. My ramblings written down are no more useful on "paper" than in my mind. I always have a larger point in my head, but when I'm not forced to filter it it all becomes useless. There's so much more beauty in a clearly presented argument than a shamble of conclusions.

Ugh part of me really wants to stay up another few hours and write...but that seems like a terrible decision that has little to offer in benefits.

P.S. Let's all go to Hell in a fast car and keep it hot!

If evil were a lesser breed than justice, after all these years the righteous would have freed the world of sin.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

The Usual Suspects is a really good movie. Thank you, Bill, for the recommendation. Work at 6:30 am, oh joy! But guess what? It's money. And money is the root of all material enjoyment. Which is fun.

30 Rock is the greatest show ever, even more than Arrested Development. Because Arrested Development is genius, but every single episode doesn't fulfill my soul the way every single episode of 30 rock has moments that do. Maybe that's a horrible reflection on myself, but Jack Donaghy is probably my hero.

I seriously cannot wait for New Moon to come out, and I'm really excited to watch Twilight with Bill in preparation (for him).

I wanna pull it apart and put it back together

Isn't it funny how when life is sucking I write in my blog constantly, but when life is good I ignore it for months? How emo of me. Anyway, I'm trying to reverse that habit. So much has happened since I last posted...I decided not to go back to Hamilton (which was one of the healthiest decisions I've ever made), I got a boyfriend who is AWESOME, I got an actual job because I realized I needed more funding to continue with the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed, I (mostly) pulled my life together and stopped being an alcoholic on a downward spiral, and of course I caused trouble and pissed people off most likely because we wouldn't be human (and I certainly wouldn't be me) if things like that didn't happen.

I'm super happy right now because I got my Saturday work shift covered so now I can actually celebrate Bill's birthday and not have work at 6 fucking am the next day. Hallelujah.

It always astounds me how much happens in the span of a few months, and how much we can't predict about where life might go. SO MUCH has happened since college began; even since last summer. wowza my small human brain can't quite handle it. Good thing I'm a philosophy major because I spend most of my time being existentially dumbfounded.

Also, FYI to the world: I want these shoes. And I will get them. Soon...because I have a job, and no sense of reasonable spending.

poems

She turns and looks a moment in the glass,
Hardly aware of her departed lover;
Her brain allows one half-formed thought to pass:
'Well now that's done: and I'm glad it's over.'

And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

'My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with me.
'Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.
'What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?
'I never know what you are thinking. Think.'

He who was living is now dead
We who were living are now dying
With a little patience

The awful daring of a moment's surrender

Which an age of prudence can never retract

By this, and this only, we have existed

Which is not to be found in our obituaries

TO DO

Going crazy trying to keep track of things in my head. Yet I don't need to worry about them for a long time, so I need to chill.

When I get home:
Get WestConn transcript
Buy plastic bins

When I get back to Hamilton:
Submit Cal transcript to registrar
Submit transfer petition for WestConn
Print and fill out add forms
Make a schedule with the classroom numbers

The number is up to 6

It is so important to live in the moment. That's the problem I always return to...I'm always thinking about the future, worrying about the future. Both long and short term. I'm constantly thinking about it, even though I've never had a problem and everything always gets done. I'm worrying right now about packing up the room, even though I know that when the time comes, it will get done. It' not like I'm going to sit in the middle of the floor doing nothing and wait for campus safety to remove me. So why am I fucking stressing about it? I need to overcome this problem.

This also goes along with the frequent crushing boredom that I feel. I'm always looking at the clock, thinking ahead, wondering what I'm going to do next or whether time will pass. Well guess what? It's always going to pass, even if time is relative, and then I'm going to die. So I might as well fucking relax and enjoy. Enjoy this moment. I'm writing, I'm sitting here, I'm listening to music. And everything will get done, exams will be over, the room will get packed, and suddenly I'll be sitting on a plane to California. So just embrace the paper writing, embrace the feeling of taking exams, because one day I'll probably feel nostalgic for it all (which is totally absurd, because taking exams sucks haha).

Down in it

And I was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe.
Sometimes I don't believe them myself and I decided I was never coming down.

I was up above it.
Now I'm down in it

So what what does it matter now.
I was swimming in the hate now I crawl on the ground.

I used to be so big and strong.
I used to know my right from wrong.
I used to never be afraid.
I used to be somebody.

I used to have something inside.
Now just this hole it's open wide.
I used to want it all.
I used to be somebody.

And all the world's weight is on my back and I don't even know why.
And what I used to think was me is just a fading memory.

Baudelaire

One should always be drunk. That's all that matters;
that's our one imperative need. So as not to feel Time's
horrible burden one which breaks your shoulders and bows you down, you must get drunk without cease. But with what?
With wine, poetry, or virtue
as you choose.

But get drunk.

And if, at some time, on steps of a palace,
in the green grass of a ditch,
in the bleak solitude of your room,
you are waking and the drunkenness has already abated,
ask the wind, the wave, the stars, the clock,
all that which flees,
all that which groans,
all that which rolls,
all that which sings,
all that which speaks,
ask them, what time it is;
and the wind, the wave, the stars, the birds, and the clock,

they will all reply: "It is time to get drunk!

Closer, NIN

You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you.
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you.
Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell.

Help me get away from myself.
My whole existence is flawed.

You can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings

Help me tear down my reason, help me become somebody else.

(S) AIN'T

I've got an F and a C and I got a K too
And the only thing that's missing is a bitch like you

Para-Noir

I fuck you to control you.
I fuck you to fuck you over.
I fuck you 'til I find someone better.
I fuck you because I can't remember if I already fucked you before.
I fuck you out of boredom.
I fuck you because I can't feel it anyway.
I fuck you to make the pain go away.

Fuck you because I loved you.
I don't need a reason to hate you the way I do.

I fuck you so I can feel something instead of nothing at all.
I fuck you because you're beautiful.
I fuck you because I am your whore.
I fuck you because you are a whore.
I fuck you for fun.
-Marilyn Manson

Watch Disney Templates and more funny videos on CollegeHumor

Ebb; Millay

I know what my heart is like
Since your love died:
It is like a hollow ledge
Holding a little pool
Left there by the tide,
A little tepid pool,
Drying inward from the edge.

Thin Blue Flame

Got in touch with Garrett yesterday night.

Kinda I Want To

i can't shake this feeling from my head.
there's a devil sleeping in my bed.
i cannot make this feeling go away

i know it's not the right thing.
and I know it's not the good think.
but kinda i want to.

i'm not sure of what i should do.
all of my excuses turn to lies.
maybe God will cover up his eyes

maybe just for tonight.
we can pretend it's alright.
what's the price i pay.
i don't care what they say.
i want to.

Portrait of a Lady

“I have saved this afternoon for you”;
And four wax candles in the darkened room,
Four rings of light upon the ceiling overhead,	5
An atmosphere of Juliet’s tomb
Prepared for all the things to be said, or left unsaid.

Inside my brain a dull tom-tom begins

Absurdly hammering a prelude of its own, Let us take the air, in a tobacco trance, Admire the monuments, Discuss the late events, Correct our watches by the public clocks. Then sit for half an hour and drink our bocks. Now that lilacs are in bloom She has a bowl of lilacs in her room And twists one in his fingers while she talks. And youth is cruel, and has no remorse And smiles at situations which it cannot see.” “Yet with these April sunsets, that somehow recall My buried life, and Paris in the Spring, I feel immeasurably at peace, and find the world To be wonderful and youthful, after all.” You are invulnerable, you have no Achilles’ heel. You will go on, and when you have prevailed You can say: at this point many a one has failed. I take my hat: how can I make a cowardly amends For what she has said to me? With the smell of hyacinths across the garden Recalling things that other people have desired. Are these ideas right or wrong? My self-possession gutters; we are really in the dark.

The Waste Land

Sometimes something as simple as poetry excerpts remind me there's a point to living and that life is beautiful. I used to worry that that was a dumb reason to live, but now I realize there is NO reason to live, no point in life. And that's not depressing, it's wonderful and liberating. My brain has been thinking the wrong way all alone; it's time to reprogram. Every time i feel a stress about a decision, or try to make a choice for the "right" reason, I need to stop and look at what I'm doing and thinking, and why. This is exactly what Ayn Rand meant by selfishness.

I sat with Jason drinking wine, listening to a beautiful song, sitting in the sun, and I realized that's exactly what I want an thats exactly the point of life. Everything I love, everything I want to do..I should do it, embrace it, and enjoy it. Of course, there are limits to consider which is where it gets tricky. But that's okay.

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering	5
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers. What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow Out of this stony rubbish? I will show you fear in a handful of dust. I could not Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither Living nor dead, and I knew nothing, 40 Looking into the heart of light, the silence. THE Chair she sat in, like a burnished throne, Glowed on the marble The wind Crosses the brown land, unheard. The nymphs are departed. 7 After the frosty silence in the gardens After the agony in stony places He who was living is now dead We who were living are now dying With a little patience

Writing to reach you

Written at 4am this morning:

the fact that were different doesn't make me a bad person. in fact, i think it makes me far more interesting than you. and the fact that you hate me for saying that or thinking that is why I don't give a shit about you.

our relationship is circular:

I say and do things that I know will make you hate me.
The fact that you hate me for it makes me disregard you, not care about you.
Because I don't care about you, I say and do things that will make you hate me.

And you have no idea. You say you see what I am, but you don't. You could never grasp it, because it's beyond you.

I want to fuck...

Jared Leto, Christian Bale, Edward Norton, Gerard Butler

To whom it may concern:

What does it say about you that both your ex-girlfriends, who spent time with you and cared about you didn't respect you enough, when it was all over, to not sleep with your best friends? And what does it say about you that your best friends don't respect you enough not to do that? What does it say about you that you're a joke, an entity, a name to be written on the blackboard at a comedy show. That's just embarrassing!

I want to scream this in your face, and I don't know why. Because you are so clearly more pathetic than me, more weak, smaller, the losing party. But I can't help it. My cruelty and desire to inflict pain runs deeper than my own consciousness. Some questions remain unanswered because something deeper than my self-awareness takes over. And it wants to keep hurting you.

I've got mood poisoning; it must be something that I hate.

Slept 15 hours between yesterday afternoon and today.

Novelization

My cold stare isn't watching you, it's literally penetrating you. Going right through, as though you don't exist. Because, to me, you don't. Or I wish you didn't. Either way, I'm not interested in who you are. I sense that there could be something interesting on occasion, but this is a rare flicker in the darkened swamp of my daily rounds. I can't describe what the waitress looked like, I don't know what color shirt the girl next to me had on this morning.

And yet, when I want to, I can turn on the charm. Make you intoxicated by me, curious for more, feel lucky for the opportunity to know me. The cruelty that exudes from my pores gives me some sort of allure and mystery. This is how I catch my prey...they come to me, but only when I want them to.

Oleanders in a glass of milk

Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.
— Janet Fitch

Her hatred glittered irresistibly. I could see it, the jewel, it was sapphire, it was the cold lakes of Norway.
— Janet Fitch

The soul selects her own society,
Then shuts the door;
On her divine majority
Obtrude no more.

Unmoved, she notes the chariot's pausing
At her low gate;
Unmoved, an emperor is kneeling
Upon her mat.

I've known her from an ample nation
Choose one;
Then close the valves of her attention
Like stone.