There is no you, there is only me.

Another great Nine Inch Nails offering, sent to me by my good friend Dave (who, by the way, just graduated from Hamilton College!! CONGRATULATIONS).

NIN Remixes

The best one is the remix "We're in This Blurred Line Closer Now", a mix of my 3 favorite songs "We're in This Together", "Closer", and "The Line Begins to Blur". Amazing!

On my elevator....

Well, I had a REQUEST to update my blog! So I'm getting on it.

Sooo, my mom had an office and an art studio, and I had a biiiig bedroom. Now my mom has a big room for all of her work and I have a TV/party room and a normal size bedroom. It's a pretty sweet setup, but involves more work than I ever thought possible. So much stuff to move! It's daunting.

I'm missing Hamilton more than I thought I would, but mostly I miss the people. I'm listening to "Elevator" by Flo Rida and missing Alex and our "AAFOREV!!!!" playlist. I miss Mallory so so much, and THANK GOD, she comes next week. I also really miss Jason. It sucks.

Also, I found a cool website today, WiseGeek.com.

Yay Whitney!

Whitney won ANTM! I am soooo happy....it's a natural high!
Yay!

Hell Week, No Exit

Well, it happens to be hell week. So guess what? You get to read about HELL!!! I wrote this paper last semester. Don't I sound smart? (and it's all copyright ME....so don't plagarize) This is what a 200 grand education gets you:

An Atheist Hell: A Study in the Perfection of Pain

Jean Paul Sartre uses hell for the setting of his existentially significant work, No Exit. While Sartre is an atheist, he uses a place that is fundamentally connected to Christian beliefs. Yet Sartre's hell is vastly dissimilar to the Christian conception of hell, and makes no reference to a God or Satan. Ultimately, the hell in No Exit serves the same purpose as a Christian hell: to torment and torture. The methods used are different, but the result is the same. In fact, Sartre's hell is more intense than a Christian one because not only is one tortured, but one tortures others, and most importantly oneself. A Christian hell features external tortures, but in Sartre's one is his or her own torturer.

While a Christian hell offers fire and brimstone, infinite lakes of fire, and the rack, Sartre's hell consists of little more than confinement and human company. In fact, Sartre's hell ultimately proves to offer an escape; it's the people who choose to continue their torment. Sinners sent to a Christian hell “shall be punished with everlasting destruction” (2 Thessalonians 1:7-9). Pain and destruction might be the ultimate punishment for a Christian, but for Sartre's existentialist characters the judgment of “the other” is the greatest torture.

When Sartre's three main characters enter the scene, they are shocked by the lack of sinister “instruments of torture” (No Exit, 4). Slowly, Garcin begins to understand the nature of his torture, if not the actual form it will take. “Ah”, he says, “it's life without a break” (5). Once Garcin observes the lack of eyelids in his hell, he realizes there will be no escape. The rack and poker can only cause so much pain. But this hell is eternal, without even a momentary respite. A Christian hell offers physical tortures, but a Sartrean hell dispenses psychological torture. Garcin, Inez, and Estelle are to be eternally plagued with each other's company. And of course, with company comes judgment.

Inez is the only one who comprehends the torture that the company of others is to be. She is also the only member of the trio who outrightly admits to her sins. Inez explains the nature of the group's sinning: “There have been people who burned their lives out for our sakes – and we chuckled over it” (17). Inez is the only character who is not in “bad faith”; she is completely aware of her cruelty and need for dominance. She desires domination and admits that she “can't get on without making people suffer” (26). As a lesbian, she transgresses the lines of typical sexual interactions and takes on a typically male role. The other two sinners, Garcin and Estelle, outrightly deny that they have sinned. Estelle, in fact, goes so far as to claim that a mistake has occurred; surely she doesn't belong in hell! Bur Inez knows better. She knows that “they never make mistakes” (16) in hell, and that her two companions are being untruthful.

Ultimately the group's concern with “the other” stems from power. All three have different needs for power and control. Inez must control others with the intent of causing harm. Estelle needs to feel desired, and by feeling desired she believes herself to have control. She is also particularly disturbed by the lack of mirrors in hell, because she needs to “see [herself] as others saw [her]” (19). Garcin is, it seems, the least power-hungry of the trio but he nonetheless asserts his dominance over his wife and over Estelle. Estelle fixates on Garcin and seeks his admiration because he is the only available male. Though Inez affirms her beauty, it is not enough for Estelle. She needs a man to affirm her. Garcin takes advantage of this situation as much as he took advantage of his wife. Estelle is weak in the same way that Garcin's wife was – she is willing to accept sub-par treatment as long as she has a man. Garcin wishes to use Estelle to affirm his bravery. If he can convince Estelle that he is truly a brave man, then he somehow feels better. Of course, Estelle doesn't care one way or the other about Garcin's true self; “Coward or hero, it's all one – provided he kisses well” (38).

Garcin, Inez, and Estelle are unendingly confronted with the judgment of others as their punishment, as well as the company of each other who happen to be equally judgmental and simultaneously terrified of judgment. While Inez seems completely aware of her transgressions, the other two are in total denial. In fact, they are unwilling to truthfully share the circumstances of their deaths. They lie in an attempt to hide from the negative judgments of their companions, just as they eluded justice for their actions while on earth. However, once the truth does come out, and once Inez has fully expanded on her own cruelty, it becomes like a sort of contest amongst the the trio. Each person wants to explain how cruel they were and what “power” they held over the other. Estelle made a man die, Garcin tortured his wife, Inez seduced a woman and led her to her death. Surely they must be important, special, and powerful to have had such a profound effect on the other? But even with this shallow victory they continue to require affirmation from the other. The way they are thought of on the earth they no longer inhabit becomes of extreme importance.

All three characters claim that they don't care about others, and they outline their cruelties without any real sign of remorse. It seems like a badge of pride that they have been able to inflict so much damage on others. The strange contradiction to this is their unending concern with the judgment of others. They view the other as essentially useless, a petty object to be toyed with, and yet they can't handle the prospect of being thought negatively of. The three look down at the people they left behind and hope their minds are focused on the deceased. If people on earth still value them, then their lives continue to be significant. Estelle wants men on earth to miss and admire her, Garcin wants his peers to respect him and affirm that he is not a coward. Garcin's “fate” (39) has been left in the hands of others, and the prospect scares him. Even after they realize that earth is somewhat separate from them, they cannot let go of the need for affirmation from each other. Even in hell they need affirmation; Estelle believes that if Garcin loves her, then she can be happy and have power, for example.

When the three are given the opportunity to leave hell and the hell of each other's company, they don't take it. They are so wrapped up in the need for affirmation that they can't leave each other until they are sure they have it. Garcin stares at the open door and says, “I couldn't leave you here, gloating over my defeat” (42). He then proceeds to shut the door and continue what is now SELF-imposed torture. This is where the most significant difference between a Christian hell and a Sartrean one becomes highly apparent. In the Christian hell there is the rack and the poker to torture the sinner. But in the case of the poker, someone else must inflict pain. In Sartre's hell the sinners torture themselves.

Hell is not only a place of unending “judgment”, but to a Christian part of the torture of hell is the absence of God. Once one is damned to hell they are forever without God's love and presence. Obviously, Sartre does not care if God is present, and the three sinners in Sartre's hell seem to have no notion whatsoever of a God. The fact that their hell lacks God is irrelevant. But there is a different sort of lack that causes their torture. They lack the presence of others who can make them feel good about themselves and make their lives meaningful. They look down on earth and observe the lives they no longer touch, and the consciousness of those people somehow define their own existence. As the ability to see down to earth fades away, so does their importance on earth. Estelle looks down and as long as she can see her old life she is only “half here” (32) in hell. When Garcin's view down to earth is gone, he surrenders and claims, “I've left my fate in their hands” (39). His hope is that even though he cannot see the earth anymore, the earth will remember him.

Of course, the remembrances of others are not enough to satisfy Sartre's characters. The specific WAY in which they are remembered is of equal, if not more, importance. Garcin is fixated on being remembered as a brave man. Estelle wants to see that her beaus still desire her. All the characters are also fixated on each other. Inez is the most diabolical, it seems, but we see a certain degree of weakness in her. While she does seem cold, she is also very dependent on trapping Estelle's emotions. But it is hard to tell whether she needs love or if she genuinely needs to hurt the psyches of others in order to be happy. Considering that up to this point she has been the only one living “in good faith”, she can be seen as truly cruel. She may need to make others miserable in order to be happy, but we can assume she will have no problem finding such happiness. She is, after all, in hell, where torture is on the menu and she is an expert chef. In fact, her power to make the others suffer is so great that they don't even run from her when the opportunity arises. Garcin could run from her when the door opens, but she has entrapped him so thoroughly that he cannot leave without her blessings regarding his character.

In Sartre's hell there is no God and no Satan, as well as no implements for physical suffering. And yet the three characters who find themselves there are in agony. They rely on the positive opinions of others, and both their companions and those they left on earth do not give them this affirmation. Sartre's hell runs with great economy, as the tortured become their own torturers, and no one can leave because of their dependence on others. Locks are unnecessary in his hell, as the damned become psychologically dependent on each other – even as they feel pure hatred for the other. The Sartrean notion of hell offers a level of psychological torture that a Christian hell cannot achieve: the pain of torturing oneself. And unlike a Christian hell, there is no need to employ torturers or buy any tools. The damned take care of the torturing without any input or supervision. A fantastically effective hell that requires no effort on the part of any outside entity. What could be more perfect?

The final stretch

Friday was class and charter day, which meant togas and mimosas with Delta Phi, and then an entire day of debauchery for the whole campus. Always epic. It didn't rain, even though it was forecast to. Clearly, God wants us to party. I saw alot more naked drunk boys than I ever needed to see. The apartments at G-road always host the most intense debauchery, and there's a massive water slide. Hence the verrrry intoxicated nudity. And alot of what I suspect is homo eroticism as the guys see who can bruise each other's naked bodies more.

Yesterday I had dinner at Outback with Sam and Julie, Dave and Mallory, and Jason. Then we saw Iron Man which was freaking awesome. Great action, rather corny...but in a fantastic and purposeful way. Really enjoyable. It serves the purely entertaining purpose that a movie should serve.

I even got some work done yesterday, too! Halfway done with a take home exam that isn't due till Tuesday. Today I write an essay, tomorrow I finish the take home exam, and then I'm done with writing and move on to studying. Oh joy! Last night at 2am dry week began....suuure, campus safety. You go ahead and believe that.

Desire supports crazy fantasies -David Gale

Sins become more subtle as you grow older. You commit sins of despair rather than lust.
— Piers Paul Read

Take all the sky you need

This woman's art is mind blowingly whimsical. Here is her website: Amazing!

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

May Day

Yesterday Stroke 9 and Eve 6 played at my school. It was fantastic. I knew every word to every Stroke 9 song....awesome. I only stayed at Eve 6 until they sang "Think Twice" because that's my favorite song. I had such a great, relatively uninhibited time, and I was completely substance free (except Zoloft...hehe), which makes me really happy...especially since it isn't the way most people experience May Day.

Partied in South last night and celebrated Mallory's birthday. Took her to Red Lobster with Sarah, Alex, Jess and Erica. It was a lot of fun. I can't believe this is the last week of classes. My brain can't even deal with that information.

I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind
I promise not to mind if you go your way and I go mine
I promise not to lie if I'm looking you straight in the eye
I promise not to try and not to let you down
-Promise, Eve 6

The two HOTTEST women in....the world.

Yup, fully have lesbian crushes on them. Always have, always will.

Ludivine Sagnier

Eva Green

If you're having a bad day, find a ledge!

Haha, I love Gilmore Girls. This post title is a quote from Paris Gellar. Love it.

Another great quote:

Girl- Aww, it's May Day! We need a pole to dance around!
Guy- I could lie on the ground....

There is really no end to funny stuff like that in the world. Although sometimes it doesn't seem like there's much point in any of it, I think it's important to remember that there will always be some glimmer of humor or happiness, even if you think it's impossible.

I'm excited to go home because I really want food, both at home and out in restaurants. Plus I miss my Nola-Bear. Although I must say I'm terrified by the prospect of packing up my room and even more so-- unpacking it once I get home. So much STUFF to organize. My stuff TOTALLY owns me, but I can't help it. It owns me and intoxicates me and I'm imprisoned in a golden cage that I cannot fathom giving up. Bloomingdales just makes me too damn happy!

Lastly, if Whitney doesn't win on America's Next Top Model Alex and I will FULLY have fifteen bitch fits each.

Yay Gossip Girl!

That's my dad!

This is my dad when he rowed at Cornell. Yay for him!! Those are some good genes.

Lemme see your grill!

Haha, so I feel like I need to do a post in order to prove my productivity. But I don't have a whole lot to say. I love music and I love Alex so incredibly much, We have SUCH a good time together it's like....terrifying. Not ACTUALLY, it's just really amazing. yay!
This weekend has been alot of fun, and Saturday night hasn't even kicked off yet. This is the best week I've had in months. I'm not sick anymore, I went to the gym today, and it didn't rain today even though it was supposed to. I'm so freaking happy. It's been a long long time.




P.S. Can I just point out how hot Clive Owen is? DAMN!

Ok, This Post Has ADD

These are pictures stolen from Liam. Apparently they are from the Armory art show. They remind me of the plaque Liam and I saw at the MoMA.


Next, this picture reminds me of my dress for Senior Formal...and reassures me that it isn't too poofy. It's like Gothic Marie Antoinette. I dig it.

Ellis Paul

Ohh, getting psyched for Ellis Paul on Thursday! (links aren't working, it's www.EllisPaul.com)
Great voice, great lyrics. Love it.

She ain't worth the roses lost among the thorns
She ain't worth the words you'd waste to mend the trust that's torn

She ain't worth the midnight
She ain't worth the dawn
She ain't worth the pedestal that you placed her on
She ain't worth the hotel sheets twisted on the bed
She ain't worth the tremblin' or the whispers that you said

But she was. In truth, you know she was.
She was, and you're fooling yourself because she was.

She ain't worth the mystery
She ain't worth the risk
She ain't worth the medicine brushed across the lips
She ain't worth the vertigo
She ain't worth the fall
She ain't worth surrender to the drama of it all

She ain't worth apologies
She ain't worth the right or wrong
She ain't worth the melody
She ain't worth this song

But she was.....

Cathartic Kitty Time!

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Alex and I are volunteering at the local shelter this Friday. Should be soothing!

Just submitted this to a macro contest

Wired.com

Sad Kermit!

Love and Bacon

Here's a GREAT direct quote from one of my fans (who also happens to be a scrabble dork).
"don't let your opponent have the red space and don't try to argue with jessica adeline"
Damn straight.

The Hot New Thing (other than me)

APPARENTLY, my dork-source informs me, this is the hott new internet craze. So check it out:
Muxtape.com


And here's mine:
adelinelux.muxtape.com

Waif Art

Don Cadoret, Story Painter

This is such a lovely and whimsical painting by Don Cadoret

Use Condoms!!

Sky Bar Pogo Stick MEEEE

Gold Coast Tour of Sushi- Part One

I'm on a mission to hit the best sushi restaurants in Fairfield County. As a sushi fan, this should be fun. First stop: Tengda in Westport, CT. My reviews are not complete, as each one is based only on an evaluation of the atmosphere and three rolls of sushi. But here we go:

An unassuming store-front, with a pleasant interior. There was a "trendy" feel to the interior, with cool lighting fixtures in bright colors. When I went there was no one else in the whole place, but according to the website, reservations would be necessary for a weekend night. There was a small fountain near the entrance, and the sushi bar was in the center of the action. The tabletops were really cool, with mosaics laid into the tops that were made out of beans and spices and such. The general color tone was warm and muted, but all the surfaces hard.

I had "roll B" off the lunch menu, 14$. 3 rolls of sushi- Spicy Salmon and Avocado, Spicy Tuna, and Spicy California Roll. The Tuna was presented differently that I expected, with the tuna chopped up and mixed with the spicy sauce, kind of a mush. It was my least favorite roll. The Salmon, however, was fantastic and buttery, and tasted extremely fresh. There was also plenty of Avocado, which I love. Yum! The California roll was also really delicious, with the coolness of the Crab balancing out the spicy-ness. It also had sizable Avocado chunks. Overall, the sushi was very good, with the Salmon being the winner.

I'd be interested to go back and try more items, particularly hot menu items in addition to the sushi. Looking over the menu I see they have Pad Thai (my favorite), and two roll lunch specials for 9 dollars. (It was my fault we missed this, because I took such a long time to get ready). Tomorrow mom and I are going to try it out (she's a sushi fiend).

Missing Ian

Today is the anniversary of Ian's death. I miss him, I wish it wasn't true, but this is reality. I'll never understand it, and I'll always ponder why.
I want to repost this poem from many posts back, because I think it really explains how I feel and what it has really been like.

I'll bet you think the room was empty.
Wrong. There were three chairs with sturdy backs.
A lamp, good for fighting the dark.
A desk, and on the desk a wallet, some newspapers.
A carefree Buddha and a worried Christ.
Seven lucky elephants, a notebook in a drawer.
You think our addresses weren't in it?

No books, no pictures, no records, you guess?
Wrong. A comforting trumpet poised in black hands.
Saskia and her cordial little flower.
Joy the spark of gods.
Odysseus stretched on the shelf in life-giving sleep
after the labors of Book Five.
The moralists with the golden syllables of their names
inscribed on finely tanned spines.
Next to them, the politicians braced their backs.

No way out? But what about the door?
No prospects? The window had other views.
His glasses lay on the windowsill.
And one fly buzzed---that is, was still alive.

You think at least the note could tell us something.
But what if I say there was no note---
and he had so many friends, but all of us fit neatly
inside the empty envelope propped up against a cup.

-The Suicide's Room, Wislawa Szymborska

She knows exactly what you can't resist

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
--Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982), Atlas Shrugged


Today was a really good day. I feel happy and excited, particularly for NYC and Norton. But other stuff is happening too....life is always surprising. In good and bad ways, as I have most definitely learned. I had really important conversations tonight, as well as meaningful ones and funny ones. Plus I aced my midterm. I pretty much rule.

Cat in an empty apartment

Dying--you wouldn't do that to a cat.
For what is a cat to do
in an empty apartment?
Climb up the walls?
Brush up against the furniture?
Nothing here seems changed,
and yet something has changed.
Nothing has been moved,
and yet there's more room.
And in the evenings the lamp is not on.
One hears footsteps on the stairs,
but they're not the same.
Neither is the hand
that puts a fish on the plate.
Something here isn't starting
at its usual time.
Something here isn't happening
as it should.
Somebody has been here and has been,
and then has suddenly disappeared
and now is stubbornly absent.
All the closets have been scanned
and all the shelves run through.
Slipping under the carpet and checking came to nothing.
The rule has even been broken and all the papers scattered.
What else is there to do?
Sleep and wait.
Just let him come back,
let him show up.
Then he'll find out
that you don't do that to a cat.
Going toward him
faking reluctance,
slowly, on very offended paws.
And no jumping, purring at first.

-Wislawa Szymborska

I have found you can find happiness in slavery

New thought process that occurred in the shower this morning, because I was thinking about how uber-functional I've been lately.
The government wants us all to be functional, hard working, over working producers. We should sleep less, work more, etc. etc. But in the past decades the rate of depression has been going up at a troubling rate. Depressed people are not good "society machines". In order to motivate us all to keep on working instead of moping about, there is a noticeable influx of shows that encourage us to be shallow and money seeking. Haven't you noticed? There are way fewer sitcoms about quirky dysfunctional people than there used to be. Now shows still concede that most people are pretty messed up, but they're messed up in shallow, money seeking, non-philosophical ways.
Examples: Dirty Sexy Money, Cashmere Mafia, Lipstick Jungle, Gossip Girl. These shows also emphasize women as bitchy and manipulative, and I think this is an attempt to channel depression into a more productive method.
So I wonder: are anti-depressants becoming a sort of "study drug" for life? Nowadays, people need an extra boost just to function, let alone excel. This all seemed beautifully connected in the shower and I told myself to go write it immediately, but I studied a bit first, so this line of reasoning became a little bit blurry.
Lastly, I must mention again how FANTASTIC Nine Inch Nails is. I want to post all the lyrics, all the time. I want them tattooed all over me (not seriously). That's how good they are.